I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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