dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
