this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
