Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
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She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
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I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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