he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
