there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
