i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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