just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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