maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
