After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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