Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
two words...techno handjob
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I need a burrito and a hug.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We're too hungover to prance.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
