saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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