Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
