I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
