Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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