Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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