First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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