I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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