Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
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My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
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Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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