Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
