my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
