I met the friendliest cop last night
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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