apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
