saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
