Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
