Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
