i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
