theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
