I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
