Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
