Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
