Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
