Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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