You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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