I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
