I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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