Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
