So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
