you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
