the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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