My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
