Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
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No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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