dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
