i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Of course I have a pirate flag
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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