all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Randomize
