Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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