I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
