Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
