Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
