you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
