You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
