dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
