i already hear my dad disowning me
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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